IMAO IMAO Podcasts Give Frank J. and SarahK Gifts! Random IMAO Quote Disabled until I can make it less of a bandwidth hog... and update them. --> About IMAO If you want to send something by snail mail, e-mail with subject "P.O. Box" to get mail information for Frank J. and SarahK. About Frank J. Other Bloggers: Harvey RightWingDuck Cadet Happy spacemonkey Laurence Simon SarahK Aquaman FAQ New to IMAO Click here to see what we're all about. Verbal greeting for newcomers to IMAO. IMAO Audio Bits T-Shirts Popular Categories In My World Know Thy Enemy Frank Discussions Editorials Frank the Artist IMAO for the Non-Deaf Other Content These Things I Believe Ode to Violence Brief Histories Read the Essay Own the Shirt It's Back! Peace Gallery Search IMAO Web www.imao.us Frank J. Fan Clubs Fan Club One Fan Club Two Testimonials "All quotes attributed to me on IMAO are made up... including this one." - Glenn Reynolds "Unfunny treasonous ronin!" -Lou Tulio * "You, sir, are a natural born killer." - E. Harrington "You'll never get my job! Never!!!" - Jonah Goldberg "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO." -No One of Consequence "A blogger with a sense of humor." -Some Woman on MSNBC Awards Links Rachel Lucas [Think About It] Bad Example * recently updated Super Lucky Happy Fun Permalink Contest Number One... 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The latest IMAudiO is up just in time for Christmas at IMAOPodcast.com where you can find archives of all the previous podcasts (already available to subscribers). Make sure to visit our forum to chat about IMAO for the Non-Deaf and politics with all your favorite people from IMAO and Harvey. Not that any of us visit there anymore. But you can. December 27, 2005 Ask Dr. Duck- Post Holiday Edition Posted by RightWingDuck at 02:32 PM | TrackBack (0) Hello Everyone, I hope you enjoyed your holidays. It would be a shame to have people walking around in a bad mood - that's my job!!! Anyway, it's time for our regular segment called... Ask Dr. Duck. I am here to provide spiritual nourishment, intellectual wisdom, and creative ways to use the word "doodie". What's on your mind Post Holiday Blues Girl/Boy trouble Relationships Angry relatives Rabid weasels clawing at your door I can help. I'm certified in most states (okay - it's in landscape design - but I'm certified - okay!!) What's on YOUR mind. The Doctor is IN. Comments (4) December 26, 2005 What IMAO Bonus Prize should I offer Posted by Laurence Simon at 03:19 PM | TrackBack (0) Hi there. I'm your old friend, Laurence Simon. But I'm not just one of FrankJ's loyal minions here at IMAO. No, I'm much much more than that. Some of you folks know that I run a rather sick and twisted blog (among several) called The Dead Pool . Players pick 15 people, famous or infamous, and they score points when those picks die. Until the picks die, well, the players need to blog about their entires (15 picks, 4 blog posts a year... 60 total posts) Prizes are awarded at the end of the year for the most points, but the real fun is in claiming topical bonus prizes for your picks when they croak. For instance, the first pick to die on a Friday is eligible to fight in the post's comments over a T.G.I Friday's Gift Certificate. Isn't that cute Anyway, I've been racking my brains (or braining my rack) trying to come up with a bonus prize that involves giving away an IMAO T-shirt (You know, the ones that the pretty Sarah K.J. Oh-Kay models over there in the right margin). But instead of racking my brains (or brainsing my rack) I figured I'd let y'all suggest the conditions of a bonus prize that would be worthy of one of those shirts. I'd been thinking on the lines of "Any pick with all of the letters I M A O in their name" but I am sure you can come up with better. Post your suggestions in the comments, and not only will I add the best bonus prize idea to the Dead Pool, but I'll even buy a shirt for the person who suggested it. How's them apples I figure I'll want to post it on December 30th, so you have until December 30th to come up with an idea. Sound good (No, I haven't checked with Kevin as to all the legal mumbo-jumbo for this thing, but I'm assuming that in his legal opinion, we're all gay or something.) Read More » Oh, and if you're wondering how I'm paying for all this, well, that makes two of us. Where's my share of the advertising revenue, Frank « Close It Comments (15) Coffee Card Contest Winner Posted by Laurence Simon at 01:03 PM | TrackBack (0) Okay, in my arrogant opinion, here's the best ideas for the Coffee Card Contest ... 3. RightWingConspirator: How about a contest for the best idea for a made up holiday (take THAT, Kwanzaa!) 2. Sarasmom: How about a description of the most homoerotic thing you had to do to get into a fraternity... And the winner is... 1. Jenno: Most revolting idea for a coffee flavor. All excellent ideas, but I think that one is the best idea for a contest. I'll be sending Jenno the code off of the gift card shortly. Thanks to everyone that participated, and stay tuned next month for yet another pointless contest for your confusion and amusement. Comments (7) ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho Posted by mud shoelace at 11:29 AM | TrackBack (0) this is an actual x-mas display in eastern North Dakota . . . upon closer examination . . . Read More » . . . i give you the blow up sex doll christmas chorus « Close It Comments (7) December 25, 2005 Know Your Enemy - Hanukkah Posted by Laurence Simon at 05:11 PM | TrackBack (0) In honor of this being the first day of Hanukkah, I - the Token Jew of IMAO™ - have decided to post the FAQ that I use for when people ask me all sorts of stupid Hanukkah questions: How is Hanukkah spelled Just like it's pronounced. Why doesn't Hanukkah start on the same day every year It does. You're just using the wrong calendar, a-hole. What Channukkah music is there to play Don't bother. Not even Apple would charge for it on iTunes. Is (X) Jewish What am I, the Tel Aviv White Pages Why is the menorah lit at night Because it's dark at night, stupid. What, you're going to waste such nice candles to light the day Are you Catholic or something Why are Hanukkah candles sold in boxes of 44 Because Jews are good at math. What's the song that people sing while lighting the candles It's called "Baruch Adutoy Adenoi." It roughly translates to "Don't burn your fingers, Dummy." How do you size a yamulke Your bald spot plus one inch. What foods are eaten during a Hanukkah celebration Whatever your mother puts in front of you. Don't complain! Is it true that versions of Clue in Israel use a menorah instead of a candlestick No, but Monopoly race car token has been replaced by a sensible four-door sedan that gets good gas mileage. Is it okay to gamble on which candle goes out first No. Shame on you. Eight reindeer pull Santa's sleigh. What pulls Hanukkah Harry's cart A tow truck. I told him not to park there, but he never listens. What if you blow out the candles before they are done You die. Are you supposed to abstain from any particular activities during Hanukkah Don't be such a putz. What if the smoke alarm goes off Don't buy cheap candles next time, you goniff. In a fight between Aquaman and Hanukkah Harry, who would win Nobody. This is a season for peace, not fighting. Why can't I get Hanukah off when my friends get Christmas off Wait... you have Christian friends What's wrong with you I've seen electric menorahs. Are they okay to use No. People will think you're gay. What's the meaning of the Hannukkah bush Some imbecile tried to assimilate. We kicked him out of the congregation years ago. Maybe you've heard of him David Duke People who celebrate Kwanza also light candles. Is this related to the Hanukkah menorah Some black person broke into a Jew's house, and stole the menorah. But he broke off two candles in the process. He also got the stereo and the silverware, but those were fenced before they could be incorporated into the ceremony. What is the meaning of the four symbols on the dreidel Oy! Is this dreidel safe for kids Player must examine dreidel for sharp edges before next player takes turn. Huh - Meaning of symbol lost in Shoah. All players weep profusely in shame. Nu - Player must clean the dreidel because they're playing on such a dirty floor. Feh! - Player determines that spinning a top is a stupid game and goes off to play some X-Box. What goes "Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns! Oy, that burns!" A blind guy on the eighth day of Hannukah. What if you live in a neighborhood that prohibits the burning of candles in a menorah Burn your neighbors' houses down instead. Why are gifts given on every one of the eight nights of Chanukah It helps the economy. If Christians have Santa Claus bring gifts, what do Jews have for Chanukkah The decency not to fill their kids' heads with fairy tales and lies. Comments (18) Merry Catmas Posted by Laurence Simon at 12:54 PM | TrackBack (0) Q: What's my favorite day of Christmas Read More » A: The one with eleven Pipers piping. « Close It Comments (6) Christmassacre Posted by Laurence Simon at 09:22 AM | TrackBack (0) Today is one of the worst days for Technical Support people in the computer industry. People around the globe, unwrapping their new computers, iPods, cell phones, and other technological marvels will be popping in the batteries or plugging in various connectors only to find out they have absolutely no idea what they're doing. It gives me chills down my spine. There's no telethon for chills down the spine, is there I'd be the poster child, standing up on stage with... um... Christopher Lloyd or...um... Rob Schneider. Yeah, any time a movie of his is out, I've got Spine Chill Syndrome. It's not even covered on my lousy insurance plan, either. So these newbies want to get all their settings on the new computer while getting all their porn copied over and wiped out of the old one so they can give it to the kids (who will probably just fill it with porn all over again). Or maybe the connector in their iPod is a dud. Not every device that passes the in-factory QC tests keeps their virgin status. So they want to pick up a replacement and... th